As Your Introduction

Sometimes I want to die.

Not what you expected from a newsletter and blog called Dopamine’s Delight, huh? Admittedly, I’m shocked myself. Not at the sentiment. Suicidal ideation is an intermittent companion of mine and accompanies my long-lived-with depression. But my candidness. That’s what shocked me.

See. With my mental health, I’m a guarded person. Come by it naturally. I was raised that way, anyhow. Maybe it’s a generational thing. I’m 40. And this newsletter/blog thing is so dang public. But, dear generalized reader of Dopamine’s Delight, I owe you authenticity. Some at least. And there’s no better place for authenticity than at the start of our relationship.

So. Yep. Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes it’s general. I wake up and wish to no longer exist. Sometimes it's specific, and I ruminate on the how of the final act in gruesome, frightening details. Thankfully, my suicidal ideation isn’t a constant presence, and when absent, I kind of like my heart beating and my lungs breathing and my mind, the conscious portion and subconscious, spinning fantastical stories for others to get lost into and find beauty within.

Crucially, I’ve gotten and continue to get professional care. And I’ve developed a self-care routine and crisis management plan that helps when the going gets bleak. But it’s important you know about my depression and suicidal ideation because it is what largely motivates Dopamine’s Delight. So named because alliteration rocks. So do delights; they rock so hard, so beautifully, they spark joy and can get my dopamine dancing until I momentarily forget I’m depressed, and I forget that I no longer wish to exist, and that latter wish, the wish to no longer exist, which felt so true and rational then, feels, amid the delight, perverse and irrational. 

So I want to seek out and share dopamine fixes and flex that gratitude muscle, which tends to atrophy during deep depths of depression. And I have a lot of delights to share, too. For one, I’m a father and a husband to two wonderful souls. Damn, do I love them. Damn, do they have that knack to whack me upside the head, remind me my life is full. And I love literature and read widely and want to champion the many great stories I’m so fortunate to read. Then there’s poetry. Then there’s music. And food? Yum! Cue Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World.”

Oh, and I live in Montana. Vast scenic beauty surrounds me. So do millions of acres of public land, my playground for hiking and camping and mountain biking. Google says Montana has 30 million acres of it. Dang, Google. That’s a lot. So expect some scenic pictures with captions or a write up.

Also, I’m a writer. There’s that. That’s important. Because what’s the fun in being a writer without the readers? You are a humongous delight. So on occasion, but not all the time, Dopamine’s Delight will discuss my writing or plug a story or book I’ve written.

So that’s the agenda. A lot of freedom there for my fancy. A lot of material to curate and share with much delight. Will I talk much about my mental health in detail? That’s not the focus of this newsletter and blog. But I won’t shy away from it either.

As for how often I’ll write a Dopamine’s Delight post. Dunno? I won’t be spammy though. Spammy ain’t cool. Maybe I’ll post once a week. That does feel a tad ambitious. So perhaps once or twice a month. And my frequency may jump near the release of a story. Not much though. Again this is a no spam zone. Also, I won’t provide any affiliated links to what I share. Because you know. Authenticity.

I aim to grow this newsletter organically. It’d be delightful to build an engaged community. It’ll be a dream to build a large readership base for my stories. Regardless of my ambitions, I’ll similarly go about Dopamine’s Delight as how I write my stories. One word, one post at a time and simply let the outcome in its totality surprise me. Delight me. 

Now, I did promise you a story, didn’t I? Here’s a horror story of mine titled, “A Snip Away From Freedom,” published by Creepy Podcast. Heather Thomas does the narration & does it fantastically well. Talk about a delight: hearing your story read aloud, being done right, being done well. This story has crafting in it and creepiness and moments of levity that might creep your lips up into a smile. So if you like crafting and horror, this will be your jam. And if you’re not a crafter? Hmmm. Yep. You’ll like it, too. Enjoy!